I would just feel lost in an abyss. Not feeling anything, not even remorse. Maybe sad sometimes questioning a higher power. But not hurt anymore.
Looking back, I don’t remember much as I was young. What I remember is the topic made me uncomfortable. I never talked about what happened. I don’t think I knew how to grieve. I didn’t know how to behave or react in front of people. I was fearful of making people more emotional, too emotional, and having to comfort them. I didn’t know how to talk about what I was thinking to anyone. I didn’t know how to comfort my mom or if my brother knew what had happened. We had just lost my dad.
Often, I felt that my grief wasn’t in my control. It paved its own way through anniversaries, birthdays and slowed and accelerated as it pleased. I could only wait for it to subside, or push back by immersing myself in activities. I knew it would never go away but I could find a new outlook towards it. There wasn’t anything I could about it except live.
To this day, I fear if I stop grieving, my memories would fade, and I would lose my connection to him forever.
People don’t talk about death as much as they should, and I request everyone to normalize talking about it. It’s a part of life that doesn’t go away. Not even with time. However, I did move on with my life. There wasn’t a lot that changed. My mom was a stronger force in our life. She didn’t let us feel left out and provided for us in all possible ways.
It was almost if we had erased a chapter from the history of our lives that even existed. It had been over a decade. Then came some important moments like graduation, first paychecks, a wedding all of the moments which bring family to forefront and remind you of what could have been.
What you feel is not always hurt. It’s anger towards the person who left or towards the higher power questioning the meaning of life.
As those special moments passed I began several new chapters and kept this hidden at the bottom somewhere keeping it safe from the world. I heard about a few relatives, friends, acquaintances deaths, but it stopped hurting me. I felt numb. Nothing more.
But then this year, I lost my first cousin. He was younger, my very first partner in crime. My debutant to…